


Five Things That Happened 'Round Pandora's Wedding

by kezya



Category: Nursery Crimes - Fforde
Genre: F/M, Humor, Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 17:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kezya/pseuds/kezya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Getting married is never easy, especially when your in-laws happen to be the Greek pantheon. But then again, Pandora is used to weirdness, so nothing bothers her very much. Well, except for the disappearing tool shed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Things That Happened 'Round Pandora's Wedding

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Katharos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katharos/gifts).



Pandora knew that weddings were not supposed to be easy. There was simply no end to the things that needed to be planned, provided or organized: cake and flowers, music and seating arrangements (_don't put Cousin Henry and Uncle Josiah within earshot of one another or we'll have a row before the second toast is over; and watch out for Auntie Beryl, she can have a row all by herself while completely sober)_.

 

Then there were the clothing dilemmas for the bride, and surprisingly enough, the groom. It had taken Pandora an awfully long time to choose between a wedding dress and a traditional Greek chiton (she'd finally decided on both; Dad and Madeleine had assured her that the combination did not make her look like her own wedding cake, or at least not enough to confuse the guests). Prometheus, for his part, had suddenly declared that he wanted to appear naked – apparently it was even more traditional than the red chiton. Pandora had put her foot down regardless, since Dad had been looking more and more anxious as the wedding approached, and she thought this might be the last straw to tip him over into total panic. Prometheus had tried to dispute the point, but gave up after Pandora asked if he  _really_ wanted Aunt Beryl to see him in the altogether.

 

Yes, weddings must have been designed to reduce even the most sensible bride-to-be to a nervous wreck – and that even without considering the seriousness of the decision itself, the changes and the responsibilities. Although, as Pandora realized after twenty minutes of discussing how best to prevent Cousin Jemima from showing off her verrucas at the dinner table, among all the circus it was actually easy to forget that one was getting  _ married _ . Maybe that was the overall idea.

 

Still, when most other brides said they had in-laws from Hell, they probably did not mean it quite so literally.

 

 

_1\. The Arrivals_

 

The problem with the gods was that they were never very subtle. Well, Prometheus could be, and he fit right in with the modern world, but then again, he was a Titan – not quite the same thing. The big name Olympians liked people to know who they were when they ventured out of their home. Showing off was part of their nature, and most of them couldn't really help it.

 

Madeleine was still pretty angry when the tool shed disappeared.

 

“It must be Hades,” Prometheus explained sheepishly. “He always arrives like that, except he probably didn't know the rift would open right under your shed. I guess that's why he hasn't come in – he must've been quite surprised when he opened the ground and a building dropped on his head.”

 

Madeleine took a deep breath. “I don't mind your family coming in to visit,” she said. “I really don't. But next time, please tell Hades to use the front door.”

 

“I will,” Prometheus said, looking even more sheepish. “And I'll rebuild the shed – it'll be better than new. I'll ask Hades to give back the tools. He's quite decent, really... only he doesn't get out much.”

 

“Can't imagine why not,” Madeleine muttered, but she seemed pacified, and it all might have ended rather well, if not for the sudden crashing noise in the bathroom.

 

The crash was followed by a series of bangs and loud, indignant yelling. Pandora and Prometheus looked at each other. Neither dared look at Madeleine.

 

“What do you suppose this is?” asked Pandora, trying to sound as natural as possible under the circumstances.

 

“Er... I think it might be Poseidon. He likes to appear emerging from the waters, you see, and in a modern household the largest ready source of open water is, er...”

 

“The toilet,” Pandora finished. In spite of herself, her voice was in equal parts horrified and awed.

 

“We'll probably need to pull him out.”

 

“Might be a little difficult,” said Madeleine, deceptively calm. “Seeing as most tools we could use are probably halfway back to the Underworld by now.”

 

It was true that serious relationships changed the way one looked at the world, Pandora thought. Before meeting Prometheus she would never have expected to hear an exchange like that in any context.

 

 

_2\. Timeo Danaos_

 

“No,” said Pandora, feeling her face burn with indignation. “No way.”

 

Hera took a long drag on her cigarette and tapped the whiskey glass with a well-manicured nail. “I told him you'd say so, but he insisted. He's a big, stubborn oaf, but he's also the king of the gods, and he _really _wants to come to this wedding.”

 

“Prometheus did a good thing, and Zeus had him tortured for years. He's very much not invited, and you can tell him that from me.”

 

Hera shrugged, as if to say that bygones should be bygones, and looked at Prometheus. “He says he's the head of the family, so he should be the one to sign the marriage contract with the bride's father in your name.”

 

“That's not done anymore, and even if it were, I'm definitely old enough to legally represent myself. I'm sorry, but it's like Pandora said: we are not planning to invite Zeus.”

 

Hera stubbed her cigarette and got up. “Not like I care either way, but he wouldn't stop whining until I talked to you. Now I can tell him he's out of luck. I suppose I should go now. My chariot is waiting.”

 

At the door, she turned to Pandora once again. “You're a bit weedy, but I guess it could be worse. I applaud your intention of steering clear of my husband. You'll keep to that, if you know what's good for you.” And, just like that, she was gone.

 

 

_3\. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun With Snogging_

 

Pandora had never figured herself to be a hen-party kind of girl, but this belief was proved wrong when she woke up with the hangover of the century, glitter everywhere, a fuzzy pink cotton tail and the uncomfortable memory of having almost kissed Aphrodite. Then again, nearly everybody had snogged Aphrodite that night – even Artemis, although she denied it vehemently afterwards. (“I must have slipped, and my tongue somehow got stuck in her mouth” really didn't sound very convincing, not even when it was a goddess who said it.)

 

All in all, it had probably been a good idea to have the party up here at the Olympus.

 

 

_4\. Doggone Days_

 

Aunt Beryl's visits tended to be almost as troublesome as visitations from the gods, so that one time Pandora made an excuse to slip into the sitting room first, leaving Auntie to terrorize Megan and Jerome. The plan was to check if Prometheus was there, and warn him if he was, then delay Beryl for as long as he needed to hide. The plan definitely did not involve finding her father on the couch, cornered by a snarling Cerberus and a very drunk Hades.

 

“She's gone to stay with her mother again,” Hades was saying, glumly nursing the sherry bottle. Apparently he got quite weepy when drunk. “She keeps doing that. I think we might work out better if we had kids... d'you have any kids, Jack?”

 

“You're here because my daughter is getting married,” Dad said. He shrugged off Hades's arm and tried to rise, but Cerberus growled louder, and Dad had to sit back down. Hades didn't even notice.

 

“Persephone says she's not ready to commit,” he complained. “It's been, what, five thousand years? Four thousand at least. If she's still not ready to commit, when will she be? D'you think she's just blowing me off?”

 

Pandora moved forward. Hades and Cerberus did not register her presence, but her father did. His eyes widened and he mouthed a few words at her – probably something like, “Don't come any closer!” or maybe, “Get out of here!” It certainly wasn't, “Hit Cerberus with a rolled-up newspaper,” which was ironic, since that was exactly what she was planning to do.

 

And then Aunt Beryl marched into the room.

 

Everybody froze. Aunt Beryl took a long look around. She sniffed. “Disgusting,” she said, without making it clear if she meant Hades, the sherry, or Pandora's father. Possibly it was all three at the same time.

 

Dad took the opportunity to disengage himself from Hades's clutches, and put himself in front of Pandora. Cerberus did not stop him. All three heads were focused maliciously on Auntie Beryl; the dog was still growling, but this time it was more quiet, and somehow more threatening. There would be blood in a moment, the sound seemed to promise.

 

“Sit!” commanded Aunt Beryl. To the great surprise of everyone present (himself included), Cerberus obeyed.

 

Aunt Beryl nodded. “Good boy. Give paw.” Cerberus did. “Let's see your teeth.” She turned to Hades, who vainly tried to put the sherry bottle out of sight. “What breed is he?”

 

“Grecian Hellhound, ma'am.”

 

“Hmph. Foreign. That's what I thought. Seems awfully agitated. What do you feed him?”

 

“Meat.”

 

“Fresh?”

 

“Oh, yes. Very fresh. Mostly still alive.”

 

Aunt Beryl harrumphed again. “Young man, that's the absolute worst thing to do! Can't let them have red meat all the time, it gets them excited like nobody's business. Once, maybe twice a week as a treat, that's enough. Put him on dry food, and he'll be calmer in no time at all. I know what I'm saying – I'm a dog owner myself.”

 

“You are?” Hades asked meekly.

 

“Yes. His name is Frubbles.”

 

“Good to know Aunt Beryl can still put the fear of gods into, well, gods,” Dad whispered as Hades attempted to digest this new revelation.

 

“The fear of Aunt Beryl, more like,” Pandora said.

 

 

_5\. They Do_

 

After the madness of the previous weeks, Pandora was shocked to discover that the wedding itself went off with nary a hitch. The only incident happened when little Cupid got somewhat overexcited with the good-luck throws; instead of rice, he'd brought nuts, and started chucking them left and right as soon as Reverend Puckle had appeared at the altar. A particularly large walnut hit the Reverend straight in the eye. Purely by accident, or so Cupid claimed.

 

After things had calmed down a little, Pandora started down the aisle, escorted by her father. Dad was nervous, and went off on the wrong foot, which made them both fumble a little until Pandora took the lead. Prometheus was waiting for her (thankfully not naked), and then it all happened very fast: the vows were spoken perfectly, the rings were put on, and suddenly it was time to kiss the bride. (_That's me_, thought Pandora, so surprised she could hardly believe it.) Prometheus leaned forward to kiss her, so she leaned in too, and met him halfway. Everything was in that kiss: a promise of a long life together; the certainty of hunting down all the world's ills and locking them up again, so that no one would have to be unhappy anymore; and above all, though Pandora's practical mind shied away from the word, there was love.

 

A few moments later the church was struck by an angry and well-aimed lightning bolt, and the peaceful wedding was well and truly over. Zeus denied all responsibility. Nobody would believe him.

 

But just before that happened, just for a short while, all was bliss.

 


End file.
